<source> http://www.segfault.org/story.phtml?mode=2&id=36faccb8-03739440 </source>

NATO authorizes airstrikes on hackers

Silicon Valley, California -- Chat rooms were unusually deserted, spammers went on panicked last-minute mail-bombing sprees and bomb shelters filled to overflowing today as gloom engulfed hackers waiting for NATO strikes.

Hackers showed a mix of fear and defiance toward the Western military alliance, aware it could strike at any moment against strategic hacker targets after yet another embarrassing vandalism of a U.S. Department of Defense website.

"This waiting for strikes is killing me," said w4r3z_f14r3, a 22-year-old student in the controversial Computer Science department at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "If they want to bomb us, they should do it now so I can get back to cracking Afterlife II."

Graphics illegally uploaded to an Associated Press website accompanied a note which stated, "F1n1$h 7h1Z 60mb1n9 0r f4c3 my uur47h, I 4m l337!!! H4x0rs un173!" The web server was quickly downed in a flurry of flamewars over the proper use of the word 'hacker' versus 'cracker' in the page.


Translation of W4R3Z (Warez) Language
The Hacker's "Warez" language uses numbers that look somewhat like letters to "kewl" (cool) effect, and maximum adult confusion.
"w4r3z_f14r3" is "warez_flare"
"F1n1$h 7h1Z 60mb1n9 0r f4c3 my uur47h, I 4m l337!!! H4x0rs un173!" means "Finish the bombing or face my wrath, I am leet (elite)!!! Haxors (hackers) unite!
Many college-age hackers stayed home rather than attending school, though most admit they would have stayed home anyway.

Y2K websites issued detailed FAQs to threatened hackers in case of bombing, including information on how long canned goods stay fresh in underground shelters, how to fix a misfiring diesel generator, and how to sow grain in the field with a plow and oxen.

Bomb shelters, unused in emergency since DefCon 4, were cleaned up during the last NATO threat in August, when the alliance previously announced its intention to launch airstrikes at the notorious hacker group Cult of the Dead Cow. Most shelters have been turned into underground bunkers featuring ISDN lines with triple-redundancy backups, as once the hackers moved in, they found the absence of sunlight and social involvement enjoyable.

Despite the danger, supporters of hard-line hackers were defiant.

"NATOns will fire their missiles from a distance," said Lord Kreel, an NT cracker. "Meanwhile, I will be cracking into the Pentagon with my friends in the Lackeys of Terror. We plan to install Windows on all of their computers, which will cripple their systems beyond repair."

Opponents of "black hat" hacking think NATO strikes will actually increase the popularity of cracking among the techno-elite, but cement the popular image of the hacker as a no-good techie pirate bent on stealing credit card numbers and eating babies.

"Now, [crackers will] attack all the media sites, plastering the entire web with links to porno and warez sites, and lag the whole net to hell", said hacker Frodo Majere. "If NATO thinks they will bend hackers with bombs, they are dead wrong."

Supporters of the infamous jailed hacker Kevin Mitnick have reportedly been preparing to strike at well-known pro-NATO companies and military organizations as soon as the first NATO bomb lands on hacker territory.

"We'll introduce Y2K bugs to systems where you'll never find them. We will end the disgusting greed-infested system of monopolist capitalism by freeing information forever. Linux is the One, True God," said one hacker, before he was shot and killed by an enraged fanatic wearing a red "GNU NOT Linux" headband, symbol of the underground terrorist organization FSF. A press release issued by the FSF's guerilla leader, known only as RMS, claimed responsibility for the killing.

NATO's secretary-general Javler Selena authorized airstrikes against known hacker sites on Tuesday, after hackers on the IRC channel #2600 rebuffed a last-ditch peace offer and gave out free root accounts on the whitehouse.gov server.

"In the past, computer security was a war of escalation between system administrators and joy-riding hackers," said a spokesperson for the anti-hacker group Freedom Through Oppression. "It's high time we brought the war to the instigators and bombed these hacker scum back to the Stone Age. To make the Internet safe for everyone, we must squash dissension once and for all. Countries have been nuked for less."

"If you don't stand up to the theft of intellectual property of innocent companies such as SysMicrosoft and AppMicrosoft, you threaten American competitiveness and the ability to innovate," said President Gates, as he sought -- and got -- support from congressional leaders for military action.

"We must halt the hackers and save the Internet for our children and the future of our country. The dirty, despicable hackers will no longer disrupt websites to make fun of our institutions, or pollute the Information Superhighway with filthy swear words," said former Vice President Al Gore, founder of the Internet, before he suddenly toppled over and dumped core. "NTLDR not found. INVALID_BOOT_DEVICE in kernel32.exe 006383dhX00029393."

Posted on Fri 26 Mar 00:21:38 1999 GMT
Written by Potato <meersan@linuxmail.org>
HTML'd by The Cheshire Catalyst.
Cheshire@2600.Com

This document is: http://SpaceyIdeas.Com/cheshire/humor/nato.attacks.hackers.html